I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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