who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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