I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
