Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
