i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
