$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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