Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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