I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
