he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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