Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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