Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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