Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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