I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
