you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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