Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
