Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
