I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
