You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
