Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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