I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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