not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
