I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
sarcasm needs its own font
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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