There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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