I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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