just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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