Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Randomize
