im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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