I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
