if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
