I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
