Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
