apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize