You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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