My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
