i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize