Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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