dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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