I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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