Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
