I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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