proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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