You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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