I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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