Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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