Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
sarcasm needs its own font
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
