I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
