someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
