Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
