You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
