hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
