Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
