my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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