You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I need to stop coming to work sober
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Still dying that you shit outside
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
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