ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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