rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
