Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
