he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
