It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
