I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
