Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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