He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
