Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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