He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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