I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
